The photo evidence
A Documented History
Years of photographic proof that Mary is a lot. We mean that with love. Mostly.
The Inside Voice
Mary’s “indoor voice” has never been located. The search is ongoing. Authorities are not optimistic.
Exhibit A
Presenting evidence in her ongoing personal injury case against… something. We stopped asking questions.
Haute Couture
Mary invented a new hat. Fashion Week has yet to return her calls. Their loss, frankly.
The Look™
The face she makes when someone orders the last piece of something she wanted. Pure, focused menace.
0.3 Seconds Before Impact
Captured approximately 0.3 seconds before she said something that made everyone spit out their drinks.
The Rare Normal Photo
One of Mary’s two (2) normal-looking photos in existence. You are looking at it. The other one may be a myth.
The Pineapple Incident
Mary received a pineapple as a gift. She immediately placed it on her head. No explanation was offered or requested.
The Red-Eye
The camera’s red-eye reduction feature met its greatest challenge and did not survive. The name tag says “Elizabeth.” It’s complicated.
Totally Fine
Mary’s “I’m fine” face. She is not fine. Nobody in the room was fine. The room itself was not fine.
Main Character Energy
Every room. Every event. Mary arrives and immediately becomes the main character. Her sister Trish, behind her, has already figured this out.
Finally, A Date Who Listens
Mary found a man who couldn’t walk away. He’s cardboard. Elvis. Still counts. She looked very happy about it.
Dream Destination
Mary standing in front of “Booger Hollow Double Decker Outhouse.” This is a real place she sought out. On purpose. Voluntarily.
Population: Now 8
Booger Hollow, AR. Pop. 7, countin’ one coon dog. Mary fit right in. The dog liked her best. She was very proud of this.
Rules Are Suggestions
Mary saw “Restricted Area — Keep Out.” She did a cartwheel. Next to a barbed wire fence. In front of a Popeye water tower. We just watch now.
Superwoman
Mary at Cadillac Ranch, standing in front of the Superman symbol. She absolutely planned this shot. Don’t bring it up; she’ll talk for an hour.
Mysteriously Mary
Mary attempting to look mysterious and aloof. This expression lasted approximately 0.2 seconds before she started talking.
No Survivors
Mary and a piece of watermelon. The watermelon did not make it. Mary had zero regrets. Witnesses were impressed.
Deep In Thought
Mary’s “I am definitely not about to say something chaotic” pose. Spoiler: she said something chaotic. The hat did not help.